Have you ever just felt completely and totally compliant? My life has taken that turn. It’s not that I dislike my job per say it’s that I feel like I am going to become comfortable with my life and I am going to wake up one morning when I am in my thirties and realize that I have done nothing with my life, that I became comfortable and compliant and that is definitely NOT what I want. I want to travel and I want to do it all. I want to be this amazing person that people respect and look up to. I want to make a speech to a graduating class from my alma mater. I want to make a difference. I want to be that ripple in someone else’s life that makes them wake up and say “That is the type of person that I want to be.” One day I want to make waves. Waves that crash into the shore and change the surface. There are so many things that I want to do and I just can’t pick one. Actually, I know what I want to do with my life. I want to write. To captivate readers and make them want to keep turning the pages and not be able to put the book down. But it seems like every time I start to write I get bored with it and stop. I can’t seem to keep myself occupied with it. It either goes in a different way than I want it to or it begins to drag and I can’t seem to make it keep the pace I need it to.
All I ever do is talk about what I want to do and not what I am doing. I guess that should be my wake up call to get off my ass and do.
Take me down off my high shelf
Break me down into something else
Destroy the illusions and break me free
Take me back to where I’m meant to be
Because I’ve been looking for some one like you
To help me with what I’ve got to do
And in the end nothing else matters
As lond as there is beauty from this disaster
I had lost hope and didn’t know where to turn
And then you came and showed what I’ve earned
Because I’ve been so lonely here on my high shelf
Wishing and believing In something else
You’ve changed my life and saved my soul
You’ve earased all the bad days that had began to take it’s toll
And I am so grateful and I never want us to part
You’ve began to heal my tattered lonely heart
So maybe one of these days I’ll find you
I’ll realise that it wasn’t all in vain
That my broken heart’s still beating
I’ll learn to love again
But until that day comes
And you sweep me off my feet
Is it okay that I’ll cry a river deep
I never thought that heart break and love went hand in hand
Love was heart break’s lover and it was all a plan
Ment to break a person’s sanity
And take away the pain
Maybe one day you’ll find me
And I’ll realize it wasn’t all in vain
That my broken heart’s still beating
And I’m learning to love again
And when the day comes I hope that I’m ready
And I hope that you’ll be able to stay with me
I want you to never let go
And maybe then I’ll realize that you’re exactly what I thought of
When I pictured a perfect match it never did come true
And that’s why I’m glad I never pictured you.
Finnally you’ve found me
And I know it wasn’t all in vain
This once broken heart’s still beating
I’ve fell in love again
So I do believe that I have a crush on one of the guys that works at the library. Haha, kind of typical right? I’ve read about things like this so many times. A girl has a crush on the barista of the Coffeeshop she frequents another has a crush on the guy at the music store and even another has a crush on the one at the book store. They end up as they always do in such books either discovering they are not the person they thought they were or they have a great adventure and they fall in love. I have always loved books like this and I am a true romantic at heart so it makes since then that I would start to develop a crush on this quirky boy. I don’t even know his name and I’ve only spoken to him a couple of times but I guess I’m just a sucker for these types of things, the unkown and almost unattainable.
I have to admit I am not the best person. I have done a lot of underhanded and dishonest things in my past. Many of these things still make it hard to move forward and get over my faults. I have been a back stabber a liar and a thief. I am not proud of the things I have done and am ashamed of many of them. In my heart of hearts I always new that I was in the wrong but temptation presented its self and I took the opportunity. I no longer take advantage of people and I try my best to trust others and it sometimes makes me appear to be naive. Many of the people that I work with see me as a push over, I guess. But it’s my way of making up for the bad things I have done. Life has this funny way of making you pay for all your wrongs. Like right now I am in some serious debt and live in a house that should probably be condemned. I don’t much care for my job and I am trapped here by family and money issues. I do at times hate my circumstances but then I remember that one day this will also be my past.
For some reason or another I was a tutor in an orphanage overseas. It appeared to be Romania or Russia. One of my family members had died and left me a fortune. I had been discussing it with another of the faculty there and had said something of splitting the money among the orphans. One of them was apparently my favorite and his name was Tachibanna. I don’t know why this little Russian boy had a Japanese name. There was another of the boys, Devon, that was a trouble maker but no one had ever thought too much about it, it was after all an orphanage and these children were sure to be a little troubled. Most of the children had little to no memories of their families. Except for Devon. He had just recently lost his family, two brothers, a sister, and his parents. I don’t remember the circumstances surrounding his loss. I remember leaving the faculty room and seeing a child run around the corner. I never gave it a second thought. I went to see Tachibanna, who was probably around 9 or 10, to discuss my adopting him. We talked for a bit and I left the room and ran into Devon. He made some smart remark and I scolded him. He made a comment about my new fortune. I stopped mid scold. He turned and ran away into the room that he and Tachibanna shared. I don’t remember a bit of what happened next. The only other thing I remember was Devon calling me into his room. I walked in and I could feel the blood drain from my face. Tachibanna lay on his bed. Devon stood proudly beside it. Blood covered his clothes and face. When he smiled his teeth gleamed red. Only then did I realize that Tachibanna looked as if he had been half devoured by some beast.
Devon’s eyes glowed as he asked, “Now this means that there’s more money for me right?”
This dream happened in segments. I remember waking up in between them and not wanting to go back to sleep. Fighting it as my eyes closed. I was terrified. I don’t know if there is some weird meaning behind it all, although I do know that both Tachibanna and Devon looked strangely familiar, like this wasn’t the first time I had seen them. Just the sight of Devon seemed to frighten me.